Special Report: Bike Cops Not as Cool as Real Cops

March 30, 2007

In a study released this wednesday, the LAPD was disappointed to find exactly what it had suspected all along: cops without cars are less likely to have a threesome than police officers with cars. “At the core of this, however, is another problem,” explained Dr. Rob Dietrich at wednesday’s press conference, “they’re dorks. Who ever got laid in the back seat of a schwin?”

Bike Cops hang around, sharing their stories of loneliness and sexual frustration.

Dr. Dietrich’s colleague, a Professor Hufenpuph of Harvard School of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, agrees. “The natural state of sex has an inherent ‘coolness’ about it. A certain ‘phatitude’. Mustangs are cool. Bikes are half as cool because they only have two wheels.”

The study’s main subject, Leonard Berkle, provided just the kind of lameness that many of the projects scientists and investors had predicted he would. “Well, just look at him. Jesus,” Explained BioDerm’s Publicity Relations President Donna Turner. “Jesus.”

Berkle was dropped into a number of situations where coolness was a crucial and deciding factor and was forced to perform against the odds. Pre-fabricated domes provided fully functioning replicas of Mardi Gras, Daytona Beach and the Sunset Strip.

“We were disappointed, as we suspected we would be,” says Dietrich “He failed to pick up any one. This includes the transvestites and blind people that were introduced late in the experiment. Hopeless.”

An exasperated Leonard Berkle fails to pick up on another female, despite her headgear.



  1. dude – not to mention that having your sack impaled by a bike seat for 40+ hours a week cannot have a good impact on testosterone levels or sperm count..

  2. Give me an old cool bicycle, and I’ll ride around the city for days.

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