We Need Jetpacks

March 8, 2007

Here’s another Onion editorial that I unfortunately can’t submit so I’m posting here. Their loss, dear reader, is your gain. Actually, if they published them you would’ve seen them. Plus, they’ve got plenty of stuff Again, if you’re not familiar with Onion editorials, they’re not like regular editorials. Picture a guy talking to his boss…

by Doug Hamshenmeier

Hey there Chuck, you got a second? I know you’re busy with the end of the week evaluations and all, but I just had an incredible brainfart – the good kind. This could improve office productivity by hundreds of percents, and you’ll look like a hero. What is this miracle, you ask? Jetpacks, my friend, JETPACKS.

Now stay with me on this one, because I know it may sound a little strange. But hey, the electric light probably sounded like a pretty kooky idea when it was invented too, right? If we’re going to move into the forefront of cardboard box production and retail and really giving Amalgamated Box Company a run for their money (those bastards), then we’ve got to embrace the future. And the future is Jetpacks, my friend. JETPACKS.

Maybe it will help if I use an everyday example of how Jetpacks can improve our work flow. How many times have you had to wait on an important meeting because SOMEONE forgot their notes? You’re just staring at me blankly and not saying anything, but I’m going to assume it’s A LOT. Say goodbye to those awkward moments – with a jetpack, that forgetful executive will be back in a quarter of the time it would take a standard, non-jetpack wearing employee. Let’s see Amalgamated Box Company do that!

Think of it from a personal standpoint – you know how you’re always complaining about traffic? How you always wished you could fly above all those shmucks on the highway? Well, you didn’t say that exactly but it’s implied. Don’t sit here and tell me that you wouldn’t want to fly. EVERYONE wants to fly. And your Mercedes may have a V8, but this baby’s got VERTICAL power. Sweetness.


Other than these practical uses, I think that Jetpacks could have a great effect on employee moral. Everyone’s happier when they’re looking cool, and what’s cooler than a jetpack? Nothing. I was thinking we could get some cool flame decals and put them on the side, and maybe everyone could have a cool codename painted on theirs, but that’s something we can hammer out later. And we could paint parts of the jetpacks different colors. Like, for instance, accounting could be green or admins could be blue. So, I’d be like Blue 15 (unless my jetpack program nets me a promotion that is – wink wink). Oh, and don’t worry, top brass get the COOLEST looking jetpacks, that’s a must if my plan goes through.

I can see by the look on your face that you’re not convinced. That’s why I made up this diagram. This line here represents the speed and power of a jet pack compared to the average car. It blows the car out of the water!

Obviously, we’re going to need some ground rules for these things. For instance, jetpacks are for company use only. We don’t want some guy showboating in the off hours; if he wants to have fun, he can buy his OWN jetpack. Two, NO FLAMING. If you have a problem with someone, settle it in a civilized way. These aren’t flamethrowers, they’re jetpacks, and need to be used accordingly. And lastly, interns do not get jetpacks. Can you imagine the disaster we’d have on our hands if we gave that kid Steve one of these? He can barely work the copier. No thank you, sir!

And before you ask how we’re going to keep the office from setting on fire all the time, allow me to put those fears to rest. All we need to do is designate “Jetpack Zones”, places that we’ve modified to be Jetpack friendly. All we’ll need to do is coat every wall, floor, ceiling and exposed surface with a thick coat of fire resistant metal alloy. I’m sure the custodial staff can handle that, they’re a crack team. Remember how they got the vomit off your floor after the Christmas party last year?

Boy, I can see by the fact that you’re checking emails that you’re not really feeling jetpacks. Ok, that’s fair. Time to bring out the big guns. I made this drawing to illustrate how our life might look with Jetpacks. Here’s you, heading up the meeting. Pretty standard, huh? Wait, what’s that on your back? It’s a jetpack! Notice how attentive and upbeat everyone looks – that’s no coincidence. And here’s our company picnic. What fun! And here’s you, quietly reflecting after a busy day, with a jetpack. It’s the future, and it’s amazing!

It’s because Jetpacks command respect. A man with a jetpack doesn’t mess around, he doesn’t have TIME to mess around, and he always gets what he wants. I mean, If I had a choice between fighting a guy with a jetpack or a guy with NO jetpack, I’d pick the NON jetpack guy everytime – HANDS DOWN.

Hmmm, you seem to have called security. Ok, ok. I GET IT. You’re not impressed. Well, I gave it my all, and that’s the most I can do, right? But as these guards grab me roughly, I can’t help of think that a certain something might be helpful in this situation. Yeah, you know what I’m talk about. Jetpacks!


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