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Let’s Get This Society Under the Sea Going Already

March 8, 2007

I wrote the following as an editorial for the Onion, but then learned that they don’t take submissions. Eh. If you haven’t read Onion editorials, they’re not like standard editorials. Consider this excerpts from a meeting.

ONION EDITORIAL: LET’S GET THIS SOCIETY UNDER THE SEA GOING ALREADY
by Jonathan P. Whitaker

Hey guys, sorry to call you here on a weekend and all, but we really need to get to work if we’re ever going to get our society under the sea off the ground.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve made some fantastic progress. It’s just that, well, things seem to have slowed down a touch in the last month or so. Remember the first few meetings we had about this thing? Everyone was all gung ho and raring to go. Now, and please it excuse me if I’m wrong here, now I’m not feeling the same energy from you all.

And listen, I know we’ve all got other jobs to worry about too. Heck, Phil, I doubt the guys at the Oreo factory would really understand if you ever told them what you’re trying to do in your off hours and Steve, we both know what our boss would call something like this – a big waste of time.

But it’s not a waste of time. Debbie, remember the heated debates we had about our new government under the sea? How you favored the parliamentary system but I thought that a traditional monarchy was more fitting for an underwater society? And what about the new language we’re developing that can be spoken and understood even underwater? That sounds a hell of a lot more important than quarterly analysis reports to me.

We’re just getting off track, that’s all. Look at the agenda for today’s meeting, for example. I know that a lot of you have been really looking forward to naming our new suboceanic home, but I gotta be honest – we’re just not there yet. I mean, we don’t even have a mass transit system worked out yet, or plans for a mining operation. I mean, Steve, have you even tried looking into riding dolphins as transportation? We talked about this a month and a half ago, and it seems like there’s been no movement whatsoever.

(CONTINUED)


I’m sorry, I’m not try to rag on you, it’s just that a lot of things have fallen by the wayside. For example, I was supposed to research volcanic rifts we could use as a power source, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Things have been crazy at work, and then my sister Linda was in town and then it was the world cup…well, we’ve all got our excuses.

Moving on – let’s talk breathing. Susan, have you been able to find anything out about gill implants? The ones we wanted to put on our necks so that we can breathe underwater? … Wow, the procedure would likely kill us? Okay, looks like we’re going to need another solution. Anyone?

Pressured suits, hmmm… I see where you’re going with that one Cyrus, but I really don’t want to be lugging those suits around all the time. Besides, how are we ever going to procreate? After all, we’ve got to ensure that there’s someone around to work the kelp farms after we pass on.

Anyone else? Domes…that’s not a bad idea Janice. Although I think that kind of defeats the purpose of living underwater, don’t you think? I mean, we wouldn’t REALLY be underwater. Hey now guys, don’t get discouraged. That’s why we have these meetings! We’ll come back to the whole breathing issue, I think that’s going to be one tough nut to crack.

Oh, I probably should address this item before we get too far along. Jeremy will no longer be working with us on Project: SeaTown. We had a few disagreements, and he’s really passionate you know. He went off the handle and called the project “an unbelievably stupid and insane pipe dream that had about as much chance of happening as the second coming.” It’s ok, though, I’ve already made a few calls and we’ll have someone working on our fish communication systems soon.

Oh, speaking of sealife…I took a look at your proposal for an anti-shark defense system Stan. It looks great – if we can get enough tridents. I think I know a guy that can get us a bunch of them wholesale, cheap and real good quality too. I’ll make some calls.

Stephanie, do you have any updates on our costumes? Great, I see you’ve done some conceptual drawings. Let’s see. Wow, pretty disappointing Steph. You’re a fine artist, but these have none of the underwater flair or futuristic vibe that we talked about. I mean, what’s this industrial overall look? And no crest. Were you even listening to me?

Maybe we all need to start taking notes at these meetings. I’m just getting a feeling that it’s in one ear and out the other with you guys. If it helps I’ll video tape the next meeting and give you all copies. I’d just have to ask you not to show the tapes to anyone else. I’d hate to turn on the news and see that someone else has beat us to building our society under the sea!

I’m hearing some frustration with my comments to Stephanie. Some of you think that I need to be more open to other people’s ideas. Listen, it’s not that I don’t want other people to have input, it’s just that every ship has to have a captain if it’s going to make it to port, or in our case, sink to the bottom of the sea and become an underwater society. And we all want to sink, don’t we?

Where are you guys going? Well, listen, I like “Lost” too, but you don’t see me stopping important work just to see what Hurley eats this week. And you Susie – you’ve got a kid, I understand. Oh, I didn’t know you were on an intermural volleyball team Mark.

I guess we’re done for this week, but hey, I feel really good about our meeting today. Sure, we didn’t get to cover how we’re going to sustain a balanced economy 3000 feet below sea level or how we’re going to go about desalinated drinking water or where the money for this whole thing’s going to come from, but I see some real progress here. We’ve got a long way to go but Atlantis wasn’t built in a day!

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